Dear Neighbor:

Congratulations on getting a  smoking deal (and props to you) for being clever enough to buy solar lawn lights at Home Depot on sale for $.99 each. Buying summer items during the winter, even in Florida, well played.

It must be noted that when you smugly walked out of Home Depot with 235 of the aforementioned lawn lights stacked neatly on an orange warehouse cart, I don’t think anyone thought that they would all be used on one single-family dwelling. But you surprised everyone, didn’t you Mr. I-am-off-the-grid? Let me just ask you, why? Why do you need to have so much bright light surrounding your driveways and walkways? Did you know a first-time pilot almost tried landing a Jumbo 747 jetliner in your driveway because they mistook your bright lights for the runways of the Orlando International Airport (MCO)?

Have you noticed we have had cars slow down and stop on our street and people have been taking pictures? Guess what, it’s pitch blackout during the night, but you have so much freakin’ white light coming from your lawn lights that the lookey-loos don’t even need to use a flash. Dogs being walked in the neighborhood no longer feel comfortable taking a poop on my lawn, I mean who would enjoy doing their business with all of that light focused on them? Not me, I like to poop in darkness.

I knew you were a nut job when I first moved in last Halloween and kids complained about your choice of treats for their trick-or-treat bags, raisins. Seriously, what kid is going to get excited about a box of dried fruit being thrown into their pillowcase? And then there was the live turkey you kept in a wire-mesh cage on your front lawn for Thanksgiving. Do you really think you needed that big countdown clock for the turkey to see his life slipping away? I am sure you scared the giblets out of him the minute you started blasting Cyndi Lauper music into his cage. Oh, before I forget, the 1970s called and they want their Ghetto Baster, back.

Don’t even get me started about your choice of Christmas lawn decorations.  Please note if you decide you really feel the need to have one of your Christmas lawn ornaments be buck naked, perhaps it should be the baby Jesus in a manger, not a paper mache life replica of you as Santa Claus, sans the red velvet suit. I am still having nightmares over that. Thankfully, my therapist said I should be losing the night sweats and nightmares by summer.

I think I have laid out a few issues here for you to think about. I hope this blog post is all that is required of me for us to become better neighbors.

Signed,

 

Me

 

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