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A Single Man’s Guide To Predatory Grocery Shopping

grocery-shopping and looking for love
Just don’t ask her about seedless watermelons!

There is something very caveman-like when it comes to single guys and grocery shopping.

Yes, we are just running in for beer and chips for the big game but that doesn’t mean we still don’t need to stroll through the fruits and vegetables to check out the ladies squeezing the kumquats.

Ladies you know we are going to be strolling through the produce aisles and that is why you apply make-up and also spray on some of that hypnotizing perfume before heading out to the Piggly Wiggly, isn’t it? I thought so.

When a single man goes grocery shopping alone the actual time spent picking up the needed groceries is less than two minutes. However, the actual time spent flirting and trying to pick something else up is about seven and a half minutes. This is, of course, a very unscientific study because I don’t have a second-hand on my watch.

Some guys use a wingman, some guys go at it alone. I have found going alone works the best. But just like all of the different types of apples, not all Produce Aisle Flirtation (PAF) is the same. I can only say what has and hasn’t worked for me.  Here are three examples of my recent approaches.

Guys, please learn from my PAF mistakes:

Me:  Excuse, me. But is this lettuce or cabbage?

Hot Girl #1 in the produce aisle: It’s lettuce

Me: How can you tell?

Hot Girl #1 in the produce aisle:  Because it says lettuce right there on the packaging

Me: Oh, yes of course it does. My Bad.

Then one day there was this little ditty of an exchange:

Me:  Excuse me. How long does it take to bake a potato?

Hot Girl #2 in the produce aisle: 60 minutes in the oven at 375° should do the trick!

Me: Wow, that sounds easy. I bet I could handle that!

Hot Girl #2 in the produce aisle: Well I’m not so sure.

Me: Oh ye of little faith. Why not?

Hot Girl #2 in the produce aisle: Well first ye needs to put down that yam and grab an actual potato.

Me: Good point.

Then there was this unforgettable PAF just yesterday:

Me: I love watermelon, it reminds me of summer no matter what time of year it actually is.

Hot Girl #3 in the produce aisle: Yep

Me: I wonder if thumping it can really detect a good melon or not?

Hot Girl #3 in the produce aisle: I dunno

Me:  I wonder how they can grow watermelon without seeds

Hot Girl #3 in the produce aisle:  Ok, Dumb-ass weirdo, do you really want to know? Here goes, seedless watermelons cannot reproduce on their own, so they go to a plant breeder. Sound familiar? This is like a fertility doctor for plants. They use genetic tricks in seeds to produce them. The first seedless watermelon was invented over fifty years ago probably about the same time your sorry ass was born! Normally, watermelons are “diploid.” Since I can tell you have no idea what the fuck I am talking about, that means that they have two sets of 11 chromosomes, the structures that contain an organism’s genetic material. They get one set of chromosomes from each watermelon parent, for a total of 22. See, it’s not just as easy as walking to the Piggly Wiggly and picking one up, is it?

Producing a seedless watermelon involves three steps. First, a plant is treated with colchicine, a substance that allows chromosomes to duplicate, but prevents the copies from being distributed properly to dividing cells. As a result, a plant with four sets of chromosomes is created, a “tetraploid.”

 In the second step, a tetraploid plant is crossed with a diploid to produce offspring that are triplets. That’s right, triploid, with three sets. But I bet you don’t know anything about threesomes, do you? They get half the number of chromosomes from each parent. Are you still with me Mr. PAF?

Me: (Dazed and confused)  Huh, what?

Hot Girl #3 in the produce aisle: Finally, the triploid melon seeds are grown into fruit-bearing plants. Now, remember, they must be germinated under very careful conditions, just like those plants growing in your spare bedroom with the special grow lights and tin foil. Once the seeds grow into small plantlets, they grow just like a regular watermelon does. They can produce flowers and the female flowers can produce fruit, the watermelons. However, triploids cannot reproduce sexually. But, I bet you know all about, not being able to reproduce sexually, don’t you?

Me: (Ready to faint)  Huh, what?

Hot Girl #3 in the produce aisle: So, the reason is that the cell divisions that produce pollen and egg cells are very particular; they require precise alignment of chromosome pairs in the middle of the cell, an impossible task with an odd number of copies. Since the triploids have three sets, this crucial process gets mixed up and the eggs inside the watermelon are never formed. Without eggs, the seeds do not grow.  What’s wrong Buddy Boy, I thought you would like all of this sex talk!

Me: (Turning as white as the nearby rutabagas)  Huh, what?

Hot Girl #3 in the produce aisle:  So far so good, right?  No, the pollen is still needed to trigger the female flowers to make the watermelons. Pay attention Bucko, this is the good stuff they don’t teach you in botany class.  Since triploid plants cannot produce pollen, farmers grow diploid “pollenizer” plants near the triploids. The diploids produce the necessary pollen, bees carry it to the female triploid flowers, and the seedless watermelons grow. Actually, a few seeds develop partially, so you can find some white, empty seed coats in the red flesh. When plant breeders developed seedless watermelons, they also selected them for other traits such as sweetness, disease resistance, longer shelf life, and nutritional value.

Ok, I was just totally owned on that one! Like I said guys, do as I say, not as I do. Otherwise, you will end up with a sad, lonely, pathetic life walking your ungrateful dog in your bathrobe at 3 am just for something to do.

Have a great day!



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Thanks to my rocket scientist friends for the explanation on this blog.