When Mr. Brick was knee-high to a grasshopper, I went to the county fair and I think I can still remember many of the sights, sounds, and damn you nose… smells!
As we all begin to un-cocoon ourselves, the biggest question on the lips of every redneck American, hey is the county fair still happenin’ this summer? Mr. Brick included.
I had many firsts at county fairs and did many shenanigans at county fairs. In no certain order here are some of my “firsts” from going to county fairs.
- Tasted of an Elephant Ear
- Switched honorable mention certificate with a blue ribbon in a pie contest. #My Bad
- Spent $14.25 winning a goldfish in a midway game. I lost the fish somewhere on the Tilt-O-Wheel ride
- I became addicted to fried pickles
- I tried kissing *Kimberly Cutler in the house of mirrors. I kept missing her face
Yes, many fond memories of my youth were made at fairs. I’m kinda a nerd. To this day I still like theme parks, attractions, and yes the circus as a result of my early exposure to state fairs.
Here are a few of my observations. You can fill in the blank with the name of your own local fair, it all applies
Welcome to the ___________________________________ County Fair
(enter you county name above)
- The mullet is still a viable fashion style for men in this part of the country.
- You can’t get a better tasting $12.95 corn dog anywhere. Not even at the airport.
- 11-year old skanks with make-up, still look like 11-year old skanks.
- Honey Boo Boo must have relatives in the hills surrounding the fairgrounds.
- You don’t need to dress up to go to the fair. It’s not like you’re going to Wal-Mart.
- If you’re over 18 it’s silly to spend $25 in-game tickets to win a big stuffed animal.
- If you’re over 18, male, and walking around with a giant purple teddy bear, you’re not cool.
- Pull your pants up. If I wanted to see your underpants I would ask. I don’t.
- 21-year old skanks with make-up still look like 21-year old skanks.
- 31-year old skanks without make-up look like 75-year old skanks.
- The sham wow is a really cool invention.
- Teeth are optional if you work in the carnival midway section.
- The carnival games are not rigged. The toothless wonder is just obviously a much better basketball player than the local hoop star who doesn’t win a stuffed animal for his sweetie after $30 worth of tickets and trying. The Carnie makes the lay-up, and the ball stays in the wicker basket each and every time.
- An entire container of alcohol sanitation wipes, rubber gloves, and face masks are not enough prevention when entering a porta-potty located at a county fair. #Covid19StartedSomewhere
- Cotton Candy, Elephant Ears, and Caramel apples are not the appropriate remedy for screaming children.
- If you stand next to the spin art booth for longer than 5 minutes you can get high. Just look at the person running it.
- If you have to ask the girl at the Tex-Mex food booth if they take EBT cards, you shouldn’t be at the fair.
- If you run into people from your school, neighborhood, church, temple, or mosque that you normally don’t talk to, it’s better to just nod when you see them instead of trying to start a fake conversation and saying how great it is to see them. It isn’t. Don’t lie at the fair. Don’t be a fair liar. #FairLiarsAreFake
Have a great and safe summer! I’ll see you on the roller coasters!
*Not her real name. The name was changed to protect my stupidity and her innocence. In my defense, it’s not as easy as it sounds with all of those mirrors.
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