This post is not about religion, politics or sex. It’s not really what it might seem from the provocative image. No, this is a simple parody post about human nature and ways we can change it to make life more enjoyable. I want to essentially reset the entire planet. Give it one giant reboot, one last time to get it right before we all go to Hell and a hen basket. Sometimes I think we need to take two steps back in order to take one step forward. Here is how I would do it.
First I would start by opening every jail door and prison cell and letting all inmates go free. Oh, I know how crazy that sounds, but it is a reset for our judicial system. This is the incarcerated convict’s one and only “get out of jail free” card. At that point in the initial release, any wrongfully convicted person’s claim would be null and void. Any person who actually was in prison and committed a crime, well here’s a real chance at redemption. A chance to make something of your life and to help others. But it would be understood by everyone that from this point forward we would have a nation of tougher laws with harsher penalties. For many habitual criminals who just don’t want to do the right thing, well most likely they will quickly find themselves back in prison, and this time for a tougher sentence. That one is on them, not on the back’s of society anymore. We would no longer have to listen to sad, sappy stories that are featured on CNBC Lockup.
I did some research on the interweb and found out that someday we all will die… Yep, it’s true, check here and you can even see your death date. With that gruesome detail aside, as the newly appointed “what will happen to our society guy” I would immediately allow anyone to smoke, drink or even consume massive amounts of soda if that is what they want to do. They are only facilitating their own death. Health prevention is for sissies. We pay good money for someone else to tell us how to live our lives, screw that America. Long live the #BigMac, #McRib, #DoubleWhopperWithCheeseAndBacon – and I will most likely supersize them all, out of spite! Because it’s my body and I will do with it what I want. Oh, wait… is that some chili cheese fries I smell?
You like the fact that recreational marijuana is legal in many states? It is even flaunted on another reality series on CNBC, Pot Barons of Colorado. What is it with CNBC that they want to show the worst of society? I think all, networks should be more responsible and show programs about normal people, like E’s Kardashian juggernaut, or like Bravo’s Housewive shows or all of those shows about little people on TLC. Oh, and cable tv and the internet is free. I mean come on folks… why do I have to pay Spectrum $100 a month to have wires coming to my house… I should charge them the opportunity to be my internet provider so I could share beautiful poetic works of art, like this blog. After all, content is king, right? I am a content provider and I have to pay Spectrum for the opportunity? What is wrong with that picture?
Well thanks to My Brick’s wizardry and back to the legalization of drugs… I would ensure that not just marijuana, but all illegal drugs would be legalized in all 52 states. Oh, I say 52 states, I forgot to tell you, I just brought in Mexico and Cuba as the 51st and 52nd state respectfully. The number one reason I did those executive moves was that they have terrific baseball players. And don’t worry your cute little heads out there, I’m not going to destroy the country, baseball will still be the national pastime. So, if it is your desire to sit around your apartment, stoned, wearing nothing but your soiled underpants and watching black and white reruns of “Leave it To Beaver” on TV Land, then that is your option. If you want to start taking Meth like it is Pez candy, be my guess. It’s your life and I don’t give a crap what you do… because you’re gonna let me have my 720z sodas and large french fries, right? See, I bet you are already feeling better about the planet.
I think we should end any and all government assistance. Period. If you’re old, get your kids to pay for you. You footed the bills and paid for their nappy asses for the first 18 years, now it’s their turn. I think they already do this in Japan. I need to check it out. If you don’t have children, well whose fault is it for not spawning when you could spawn? That reminds me… prostitution would be legalized. Far be it from me to judge or to be the one to tell someone who is having unprotected sex with a skank on the street corner that it is not good for them. I won’t judge them, but I do have one word for them: Scabies.
Remember back in the 1970s when we all said, if it feels good, do it? That’s what I’m talking about. And if you’re sick, well suck it up, Buttercup. You got to get better. If you’re hungry, get off your ass and get a job. See, look how easy all of that was. If you work, you can keep your own money. Since we abolished government assistance two sentences ago, you don’t need to pay taxes — because there are no one longer millions of blood-sucking leeches on the dole.
Clothing will become optional. How many times have you been getting ready for work, or school, and told yourself, “I don’t have a thing to wear.” And we know that is a big fat lie you keep telling yourself, isn’t it? Truth be told, you have things to wear, but you failed to put down the Doritos. Mt Dew or Chunky Monkey Ice Cream and now your ass is too fat for all of the clothes you have hanging in the closet. That’s on you big guy. Don’t blame society… but lucky for you society is giving you a pass on this one, and will now allow you to not worry about wearing clothes if they don’t fit. You don’t have to wear clothes at all, anywhere. Having a clothes optional society will solve some of life’s other little problems, like some economical woes. You no longer need to buy laundry detergent, so that’s more money in your pocket… oops wait, you’re buck ass naked, you have no pockets. Umm, well, if you are a prude and decide to actually wear clothes, then you no longer have to search for quarters to go to the laundromat. Nope, you can just throw your clothes into a pile and clean them next month, when you have extra quarters from that big poker win.
Speaking of poker, gambling will be encouraged as a way of being more honest and as a career move. Are you tired of being at the casino, your cell phone rings, (it’s your Mom) and you tell her that you are at Wal-Mart? You lie to your Mom because you don’t want her to know you’re gambling away her Old Folks home money. If Gambling is encouraged, and it could be, then you can look at it as a career move, next time when you Mom calls you and you are at the casino, you can proudly (and honestly) tell her you are at work.
I know Mr. Brick’s utopia is not for the faint of heart — but you must admit, we’d all have a pretty good time living there if such a place existed, but sadly we know it does not and this is just a joke. <– that was my disclaimer.
Have a Happy New Year and here’s to hoping it is a successful and healthy year for all.
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