In an effort to promote world peace, I have decided to spend lavishly on Hollywood celebrities this Christmas in hopes of becoming part of their inner circle or entourage. Most of you know that back in the day I , Mr. Brick, was a Hollywood talent agent. So folks, I am a professional, do not try this at home. You can’t just run to your local Wal-Mart and grab something from the shelf and expect to get Twitter shout outs or Instagram follows from your favorite celebrity. Nope, the fame game doesn’t work like that. Any gift to a Hollywood celebrity must be original (or at least let them think it is original) and it must be something with lots of bling.
Jessica Simpson: Merry Christmas sweetie. I think you will really enjoy my gift for you this year because it is a trip! Pack your bags. I am sending you on an all expense paid trip aboard one of the fishing ships from Bering Sea Gold. Once you become a greenhorn aboard one of the ships that Discovery Channel films, you will once and for all see the real difference between chicken and fish and you will once and for all know why they call it, “Chicken by the Sea.” PS: I hope you noted I made sure your gift included TV time on the reality series
James Franco: My gift is a bejeweled name tag so everyone, even the POTUS, knows your name. I hate when people get my name wrong as well. I feel really bad about your movie get the axe. It was a publicity stunt that spun out of control, wasn’t it? Oh well, at least everyone knows your name now…well, almost everyone. Check out how Mashable treated the flub.
Psy: Hey dude, where have you been? You make one video like “Gangham Style”, and then you go and freakin’ hide on us. Between you and me, that wasn’t exactly the Julliard style of music, was it? But hey, you certainly have made bank on that one song. I heard you just nabbed the title of the most viewed YouTube song and you broke YouTube’s counter when your video surpassed the 2.14 billion views. According to Forbes, your video has made you a very rich Pop Star, earning a whopping $8.7 million. For Christmas, I think the world would agree, you’re getting dance lessons. Holy crap how many times can one guy prance like a pony from side to side and think they are a good dancer? Seriously Dude, I know you might be disappointed with your Christmas present, but you will thank me later, trust me.
Justin Bieber: You’re just a little punk. But, I do like when you get arrested because you are always such a fun little convict. I’m sorry to inform you that you are on the naughty list and Santa won’t be bringing you squat this Christmas. You need to learn to play better with others. You do not want to become a member of the 27 Club, do you? Read all about that special club for musical smart asses just like you, here.
Oprah Winfrey: Girlfriend, what do I get the person who can buy everything? Well, I know how you fancy your book clubs, and well…surprise, I am an author! So this Christmas I am giving you an autographed copy of my crime novel, “inTWINition of murder” Who knows, maybe you will read it, and maybe you will recommend it to your audience as a “Must Read.” I will be ordering it from Amazon.com, so who knows, maybe they be sending it to you via drone.
More of my celebrity gifts in my next blog post. I hope you enjoy. If you are keeping score, I have been a very good boy and hopefully Santa will do me right this year.