We’ve all heard them, despite maybe we had no idea knowing what they are called. I’m talking all about those crazy paraprosdokians. You know, those funny figures of speech in which the latter part of a well-known phrase is twisted in a surprising or unexpected way that causes the reader or listener to stop and think for a minute, “What the Heck?” NOTE: It might take longer than a minute for those in the South part of the country. See I just paraprosdokianed you!!! It’s also kinda like when you are walking through a mall and you see a young couple, walking together and holding hands. At first you think, “Oh how romantic, a young, couple holding hands.” And then you look closer and think, “What the heck, why is that hot girl with that total loser?” Ok, maybe it’s not just like that. Here’s another example: “Where there’s a will, Mr. Brick wants to be in it,”
1. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on my bucket list.
3. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they open their yapper and begin to speak.
4. If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong. Unless we we’re talking about the stupidity of the Kardashians, then we would both be right. Is that wrong for me to say that?
5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act out in public.
6. War does not determine who is right – only who is left. (Keep your pantaloons on, that was not a political reference)
7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad… or on a Big Mac for that matter!
8. Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good Evening,’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t so good about the evening.
9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal ideas from many is research. Don’t you love this internet thingy? I researched it for this post!
10. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. In my home office on my desk, I have a work station. When I went to the work it was at the company’s home office.
11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted big fat paychecks.
12. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says, ‘In case of emergency, notify ” ______________’, I wrote ‘DOCTOR.’
13. I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
14. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman. Scandalous, I know.
15. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory. A Fuzzy memory is sign of a great party…just sayin’This next paraprosdokian just kills me!! LOL
16. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute If you wanna skydive more than once.
17. Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with. (insert favorite marriage joke here)
18. There’s a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down until they turn 50 Shades of purple. #RoughSex
19. I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not so sure. I’ll get back to you when I decide.
20. You’re never too old to learn something stupid or to read one of my blogs!
21. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target. I learned this watching on an episode of Chicago Blue.
22. Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.
23. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. I hate when that happens.
24. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
25. Where there’s a will, there are relatives, and hopefully they will have fuzzy memories about that unfortunate incident at Christmas dinner between you and the fake reindeer on the front lawn.
Have a great day, don’t let a midget kick the crap out of you!