Dating · Funny Stuff · relationships · Social Media

How Not to Hook Up With An Ex

Ok, if she looked like this I never would have broken up with her!

It had been 18 years since we broke up. Not one word had been spoken to each other during those 6,570 days.  No, I wasn’t counting, but my phone does have a calculator on it! Then along came that random message on Facebook. It always happens on Facebook, doesn’t it? The message was brief but was powerful just the same. There were five little words in that instant message that rocked my world.

“Hey Stranger, do  you remember me?”

Oh, wait…that is six words. Ok, that doesn’t really matter how many words it was because I couldn’t believe what I was reading anyway. I didn’t know what type of message to respond back with. Do I go with a flippant funny message, ” I remember getting it on with someone in the freezers at Baskin- Robbins, but  I don’t remember you at all.” Or do I pile on the bravado and pretend I have had so many sexual conquests that I couldn’t possibly remember her? I opted to be the funny man. My message back to  her was, “Of course I remember you. I have frostbite scars that keep reminding me. How could I forget you?” 

It was Missy. My very first high school crush. My very first real kiss. My very first prom date. My very slow dance partner. My very first couples only skating partner at Pattison’s Roller Rink. My Very first….oh, never mind. We not only shared homeroom and geometry, we also working at Baskin-Robbins together. I was the Jamocha Joker and Missy was The Pralines Princess. Oh, we were just two super scooper high school kids who fell in love. It was all innocent fun back then.

Over the next few weeks, we sent several messages and emails back and forth. It was fun catching up on each other’s lives.  I learned she was a widow raising a teenage daughter named Hannah. Oddly enough, we both now live back in the same city, our old hometown.  We spent hours chatting online. Suddenly, right there on a social networking site we were flirting like two 16-year-old school kids. We even threw in a few LOL’s and OMG’s into our messages in case someone from Facebook was reading our messages. We didn’t want to creep them out that with the reality that it was two mid-forty year-olds getting their mojo on by sending instant messages back and forth.  Is that what sexting is all about? Did I just sext someone??

After about a month, we decided to take the plunge. Missy and I decided to meet face-to-face. We tried to find a neutral friendly location for our first date in 18 years. We ruled out Baskin Robbins because there was too much history in those freezers.  We agreed to meet at Applebee’s, we heard it was where the neighborhood gathers!

I’m a bit of a nerd about things like this, so I was a full hour early.  I wanted to get a corner booth with an easy straight shot out the side door in case Missy walked in and I wanted to walk out. I was pretty sure that would not happen, but after all it had now been 6,600 days since I last saw her. I was sweating like Rebecca Black would sweat in a talent contest.  I nursed 3 large Diet Cokes and was just waiting to order my riblets and french fries. I had memorized the menu so I would not say something stupid like, “I would like the  Fa-gee-ta’s...” while trying to order Fajitas. Awkward.

My Applebee’s waitress Lisa was told all about what was going on. I had her on pins and needles with me. We were just waiting for the big reveal as they say on all of the reality makeover shows.  I was pretty sure that if it was a bust with  Missy, I could have had Lisa as a fallback date if I wanted to wait 5 hours until her shift ended. I think Lisa really liked me. Or she was being super friendly so I would give her a super big tip. Ok, I know it’s really the tip thingy, but I am just feeding my super ego here.

After a  few false alarms, in walks Missy. My heart skipped a beat. I could feel my pulse rate climbing. My skin was turning clammy and cold. I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. It was Missy, but I didn’t see my old high school ice cream scooping pal Missy. I didn’t see my prom date Missy or my first kiss Missy.  I wasn’t looking at someone I wanted to haul off to the freezer with. .. because I was looking at Missy’s Mom.  Oh, it was really Missy alright, but now, 18 years later she was a spitting image of what I remembered her mom looking like back when Miss and I were dating. And that really creeped me out.

Not that I need it, but there isn’t enough Viagra in the world that could erase the image of Missy’s mom’s from my mind now. It was a game changer. We had a pleasant dinner and I did get my riblets and fries, but that is where the date really ended.  She wanted a longer date, I didn’t. When Missy asked me what was wrong, I said, I’m sorry Missy, but you remind me of your Mom and I didn’t want to date your Mom.

The next day Missy unfriended me on Facebook.

Moral of the story: Never ever tell a girl that she reminds you of her mom – just sayin’

Have a great day!

Mr. Brick

Follow me on Twitter @MrBrick

P.S.  No ex-girlfriends were harmed during the writing of this blog.

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18 thoughts on “How Not to Hook Up With An Ex

  1. If you’re a YouTuber, hit up Kate Miller Heidke’s “Facebook song”… it’s a great laugh and whilst it isn’t the same as your story, it is about someone getting contact from an ex on FB.

    BTW thanks for this, it kinda confirms what I’ve been thinking for awhile… my ex of 12 years ago passed away recently and I have been spending a lot of time with his dad. I keep staring at him, wondering “Is this what he would’ve looked like?” If it is, I’m with you, no one wants to date their ex’s olds 😉

  2. While reading your post I thought you were very romantic until i reached the ditching part. You should have given the poor girl a chance. But then again, you have your own reasons I don’t have the right to question. Haha 😀

    1. Cathy, I AM a very romantic guy. She ditched me. I did not ditch her. All I said is that she looks like her Mom, which made her less of a romantic person to me. Would you want to be attracted to a guy that every time you looked at him it made you think of his dad? I think not. I just simply stated that she reminded me of her mom and then bam, she unfriended me. I am the one who needs sympathy!! 🙂

      Mr Bricks

  3. That’s awful!! You ditched her because she looked like her mom?? Poor girl…actually, I guess I can kinda see your point. It would be pretty weird, I imagine. Haha.

    And THIS is why I am friends on FB with only one ex-boyfriend! I don’t need the past creeping up on me, making me feel like I’m 16 years old again, and then disappointing me because he wasn’t what I remembered. Haha.

    Great post! 🙂

    1. Many people misunderstood this post. I said she looked like her mom, because after all who wants to get romantic with someone’s mom or dad? Well, I saw a TV show about that, so I know there are guys out there like that, but not me!! I need the crying shoulder because she unfriended me on Facebook!!!

      Thanks for the kind comment Christy.

      Mr Bricks

  4. What were you thinking!!? You know you look like your dad now and she had a secret crush on Him! Facebook is evil.,.throw rocks at it! Ah well. From now on I am never going to trust anyone with a profile pic of a CAT! just for you. c

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