If you watch as much television as I do, you can’t help escape all of those pageant shows with precocious little girls and their bossy-ass mothers, then you know why I am so eager to just bitch slap a stage mom right about now. I was watching one last night, I think it is called “Pouty Precocious Princesses”, or… something like that. There was a mom who started to cry when her little cherub didn’t win a trophy. Between her crocodile tears and uncontrollable sobbing stage mom said, “I don’t really care if she wins or not. I just know how bad she wants it.” The camera panned down to the pint-sized pageant participant (who was tearless and kinda chipper) said, “Mommy can I go get my chicken nuggets now?” Yea, I’m sure stage mom was doing it for her little girl. Not.
Lindsay Lohan’s mom Dina is a fine case study of what not to do as a stage mom if your child is in show business. Don’t treat them like a grown up, go to clubs with them when they are still under age and don’t look the other way when your little over paid angel gets busted for her 3rd DUI. Dina ranks right up there with Tish Cyrus, mother to Disney’s Hannah Montana star Miley Cyrus.
You might love Miley Cyrus and her music, but back in 2007 when she was still a minor, she was born in 1992, she had a series of scandalous photos of her that leaked to the media. Some of the pictures had her dancing around in her underpants and bra and others had her eating licorice and nearly french kissing her girl friends. And then when that all settled down, there was the famous Anne Leibovitz photos shoot for Vanity Fair where a 15-year old Miley was topless. What type of mom would allow their minor child to act like that? A stage mom (or stage mum, if you live on the other side of the pond), that’s who.
The problem is all of these bored housewives from Orlando to Oakland see how famous Dina and Tish have become BECAUSE of their children. So weekend after weekend they decide to kiss their truck driving husbands good-bye in pursuit of the next toddler beauty pageant so they pursue that stage mom dream, all in the name of their own curtain climber of course. And why is that they are all married to truck drivers?? They are in pursuit of the Botox Nirvana and yearly face lift. liposuction and other plastic surgeries that await them if their little princess would just strike Hollywood gold. But until the Stage Mom Extreme Makeover happens we know that if a typical stage mom was ever convicted of a crime she would be easy pick out of a police line up. There are several traits I have noticed they all seem to share:
- Over weight
- Annoying speaking voice
- Clueless that their child can’t walk on water
- Clueless that their child isn’t remotely cute
- Fashionably Challenged (as a straight man even I have more fashion sense that most stage moms do)
- Get your own job. Don’t depend on your 5-year old child to make you rich. Where do you think you live? China?
- If your child needs a flipper for her teeth and a padded bra it means God says your child is not ready for prime time. Let her just be a kid.
- If you want to know why you are on food stamps and need to shop at the Dollar store it’s because you spend $3,000 on one “Wow Wear” costume.
- Don’t tell your little 8-year old girl that she needs to lose weight. Look in the mirror yourself, fatso.
- You think it is cool your daughter has a bed room full of trophies. You do realize you spent more than $10,000 on pageant entry fees for those, don’t you?
- I’m guessing fixing your own teeth wasn’t as much of a priority as traveling across the country to try to win a $100 savings bond and a sash.
- Keep it a secret that you were in pageants as a child yourself. Look where it got you… a mobile home in Mobile, Alabama with a truck driving husband.
- Just because you are in a hotel that has room service and pay-per view movies doesn’t mean you are a celebrity. All Holiday Inn hotels rooms have that!