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Why Old People Should Not be Allowed To Roam Free

Live long and prosper!

I have done some crazy ass things in my life but I think one of the absolute craziest things I have ever done was convince myself that I would not be creeped out by staying in an old person’s house with them for several weeks. What the hell was I thinking?

First off lets talk about the big pink elephant in the middle of the room – Old people’s house has an odor about them. I can not describe exactly what the smell reminds me of but if The Yankee Candle Factory ever duplicated the odor/scent in a candle I would be able to identify it in a New York minute. I think the smell is part over cooked vegetables, the smell coming from 361 pills bottles on the kitchen counter, loose bowels and the grand daddy of them all – out dated and spoiled food.

Do not, I repeat do not ever put any piece of candy, meat (cooked or uncooked), canned vegetables, salad dressing or cheese in your mouth that has come from an old person’s house with out first checking the expiration date. I will bet you dollars to doughnuts  the food an old person tries to feed you is a minimum of  one  year past the expiration date.   If you do not believe me check out your grandma’s cupboards next time you are there…it won’t be a pretty picture.  I have two words for you Boll Weevils.

Now when you go to Granny’s house for Thanksgiving you are pretty sure that most food is safe, because it has just been recently purchased for that meal. But if you spend the night I suggest you have a turkey sandwich for breakfast and opt out for Granny’s world-famous hot cakes.  Lord only knows the expiration date on the pancake batter she will be using. It might be from when your parents lived there.

Also, I have asked this question before, but why do old people feel the need to shock others by walking around semi-naked? Makes me vomit a little in the back of my mouth just thinking of Granny’s  “hoo ha” peeking out from her semi transparent night-gown.  Throw a blanket over that thing Granny! Nasty. Just down right nasty.

Stuffed animals? Why do all old people  start collecting stuffed animals again? Ever try to throw away  or take a stuffed animal away from an old person? It won’t happen, they won’t let you take them.  And if it is one of those annoying animals that takes batteries and blinks or barks or flips over  then you might as well write yourself out of Granny’s will if you try to take it from her.

The next thing is to just remember to always say no when an old person says you can use their car. They say it is OK,  but they get a bug up their butt if you use their vehicle and then try to return it with a gas gauge on anything less than full and the over flow of gas leaking out of the tank.  Old people freak if there car doesn’t have a full gas tank and since they never use it all up they just keep topping it off.  They might possibly have gas in the tank that they bought when it was less than a $1.00 a gallon.  They say it is all in case of an emergency. Well if an emergency really happens,  they will most likely  fill their Depends and then be in shock and have a heart attack – so a  lot of good a full tank of gas will do then.  Sounds harsh, but it is the truth!

Old people are very particular about how their trash appears when it is taken out. It is trash it is supposed to be nasty and smelly, that is the reason you put it on the curb once  a week.  But old people wash their trash first. Seriously. They rinse everything first before they throw it away. Soda cans, ice cream containers,  old bread wrappers (oh wait, they save those) that little white styrofoam tray that the steak came on…they wash it before they throw it in the trash.

Also, look on EVERY old person’s kitchen windowsill,  above the kitchen sink and you will find a glass container 1/2 filled with the metal pop tops from their soda cans. Again, no one really ever turns them in so some little boy in Kansas can get a liver transplant. That is a myth! Sorry to burst your bubble Granny!

OK, I won’t go into detail because I don’t want to even think about this anymore – But I am still kinda traumatized, by having to share a bathroom that an old person also uses is not good for anyone’s mental health.  ’nuff said.

I know old people need a place to be, but I’m sorry  that place is going to be far, far way from me. And please note I am not talking about anyone suffering from dementia or Alzheimer’s.

Have a great day!

Michael

Follow me on Twitter @MrBrick

 

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5 thoughts on “Why Old People Should Not be Allowed To Roam Free

  1. That photo of the woman lighting her cigarette is hysterical! Great post with excellent points. My grandmother’s ice used to taste like garlic. Why? No one knows.

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